Search the internet, and you'll find a lot of advice on how to overcome grief. But the truth is, you can't. In an interview with NPR, Patton Oswalt said, "You can say you're through with grief all you want, but grief will let you know when it's done."
It's been five months and 20 days since Daniel passed. Sometimes, it feels like it's been much longer and sometimes it feels like it just happened. Since, his dad, the man who treated me like his own kid from the moment he met me, has died from an aggressive form of cancer that spread like wildfire. I wanted to go to his funeral, but I didn't feel like it was my place anymore.
Sometimes, I feel like I've made progress. I can talk about Daniel without getting too sad. I share some of the funny or sweet stories. I think about all the problems we had. And I know that I couldn't have saved him.
But this week has been hard. A couple years ago, in an effort to get things back on track, he told me to pick something I wanted to do, anything. We went to Froberg's, a pick your own strawberries farm. Despite it being hot and outside, he enjoyed it. Last year, I took him to the Workforce office to see if they could help him find a new job. They didn't. It left him frustrated and hopeless. I was so tired of having my advice turned down that I didn't offer much help. Another Spring Break, we went to a bed and breakfast in Brennan. It was nice; we had a really good time and enjoyed each other's company so much. Seems like so many things happened during Spring Break...engagement...moving in...I had put these things out of my mind until now. I guess that would explain this bout of grief.
Tonight, I pulled out the note he left with the box of letters I had sent to him. The rawness of our breakup is reflected in his tone. But also, there's love. A love so strong that he was willing to step out of my way so that I could have a better life. I wanted, so badly, for him to find someone that loved him that way. Someone who would have his kids. Someone who would have been there when he suffered his heart attack. I know all this wishing is futile. And I know, that the best way to honor his life is to be happy, like he always wished for me. And yet, I wish my happiness could have been him because I miss you so much Big D.